I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
Randomize
