i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
Randomize
