meet me or not, i'm out of control
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
