life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Randomize
