There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
Randomize
