Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
