I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
