mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
