if i can run in heels then i can drive
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
