Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
i think i scared a bird with my dick
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
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