This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
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