look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
