My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Randomize
