I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
