would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
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No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
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Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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