she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
MIDGETS
????
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
