You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
