That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
and you fell through a lawn chair
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
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