Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
