If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
