sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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