I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
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i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
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