wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
