best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
