as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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