Little spoons don't ask big questions
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Randomize
