note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
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