I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
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im calling her cock vulture from now on
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
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