i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
Randomize
