Hey man sorry I got all grabby
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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