tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Randomize