I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
