There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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