He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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