So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
well I can't set my house on fire every night
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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