Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
