You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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