I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
