I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Randomize
