yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
Randomize
