I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
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