We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Randomize
