He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.