So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.