Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
someone owes me an orgasm
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.