thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
