Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
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