it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
