there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
