Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
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