i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
