Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
