Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Randomize
