Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Randomize
