If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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