Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
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He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
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My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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