i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
