I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize
