oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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