I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
